Friday, September 15, 2006

Join the Struggle While You May, The Revolution is Just a T-Shirt Away, Waiting for the Great Leap Forward

Today as I sat at Wendy's eating my set of 10 nuggets, I couldn't help but feel like the dude in Sideways, the one that drank the 'perfect' bottle of wine out of the paper cup. I've vowed never to blog on a sour stomach, when I'm in a crappy mood, or it's raining, well all three are happening at the moment, hence a really critical posting.

Life really does suck right now, I'll expound a bit later, but first I'm grateful for the people around me that 'take care' of me. Props to my sister and the family for providing me a roof over my head and great food that's making my belly fat, props to great friends who are there for me, even though I'm probably not the easiest person to deal with, and I do appreciate the patience and objectivity in the select few. I had a conversation with my friend Amy over pizza the other night, and as we exchange views on life, her rebuttal from the venom that comes out of my mouth is 'wow, that's a really cynical and sad perspective on things.' indeed it is, indeed it is.

Everyone seems to be getting married these days, so I figure I'd bash on the institution itself. I'm not religious, I don't see sanctity in it anymore as the divorce rate climbs. Really, is it human nature to be committed to someone? I look at all the bullshit most couples endure and think, man I'd rather shoot myself in the head then compromise my principles and turn off my brain and not awknowledge when things are truly f*cked up. Is there a silver lining in the cloud, hell no, it's just what you are conditioned to believe. It is natural for people to be with each other, but in the 'new world', this bonding is based on insecurity. Hell in the olden days, things were practical, social interaction was much simpler, but in today's day and age for an ambitious person, it's very hard to find someone that won't hold you back. I don't get into any relationship simply because I haven't found the balance of someone to challenge me, and someone I can add value to their life, without having to deal with logistical bs (i.e. what's for lunch, come cuddle with me and watch Seinfeld, etc, etc, etc), it's just not the way I want to live life. (I mean I'm not apposed to cuddling, but rather with a nice Beatles record rather than the boob toob).

It's hard for me to wake up these days, I don't like my job, many times I feel stupid, I'm triple booked, I'm associated with things I'd don't want to be associated with, and I'm maxed out like a credit card (literally and figuratively). After a house payment, rent payment, car payment, gas, food, I have just enough money a month to tease myself about trips I really can't afford to take, and often times I feel the world passing me by, even though I'm doing all I can to be engaged in the fast paced world.

As all this goes on I'm still very very hopeful as a human being knowing that I'm a wise person building my house on the rock. I have justifications for my stagnation in life, even though I think it's much harder for emotionally intelligent (self proclaimed) to focus, but I'm doing the best I can. I don't see life as a puzzle that needs solving, I'm curious, I have too many options, and I will carry the same emotional baggage anywhere I go, but at the same time I will be happy and hopeful anywhere I go. I don't need validation by a less than inspiring relationship, I don't need a 'pep talk' from people that say I need to get out of my current job, so on and so on. I take care of myself, and myself first 90% of the time, I think if everyone did that in the world, relationships would be 90% better than they are, and there certainly would be lot more respect for your mates in the world. Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Perceiving, that's my personality type according to this pop-psychology survey, key point to that, 'introverted' not that I hate people, it means that I get energy from looking inward, and don't feel the need to gravitate towards people.

My hero Thom once said that being an adult means covering your own cracks, and what a shame that this is true. As a human being and an adult, I try to expose my cracks, in order to get the support and reassurance that every human needs. The weak use denial and projection, the strong use introspection, and that's what I'm working towards.

Thru it all, I may have rose colored glasses on, but there is soooo much stupid shit going on in the world, that it is inevitable that the pendulum will swing the other way. People will become more introspective, people will look at their lives and gravitate towards things and people who are a fundamental positive influence on their lives. Big businesses that are 'pieces of shit' like Ernon will be replaced by businesses with integrity. Neoconservatives may understand the concept of the internet and use it as a world binding agent, by, perish the though, having a penpal from 'the axis of evil' or china, or russia or somewhere that will open their minds and realize that they aren't the only people on the planet, and the blanket thought 'let's drop a bomb on their asses, let our God and government solve everything' isn't a fix.

I have to single out this guy (the dizzle) and this guy (the laborer), pillars in the ideological 'better world' I speak about. People who can just look at something and go 'that's f*cked up, and have the strength, courage, and ability to awknowledge real problems and the tenacity to support real solutions.

That's enough spittle for today, like Billy Bragg says......waiting for that great leap forward. Proceeding with boldness but caution.

1 comment:

The Lacinator said...

Marriage will always be what you make of it, as goes with all areas of life. It'd pure esoteric drivel that we've all heard before, but at the end of the day, it's true. If you go into a relationship expecting to sit on the couch and watch Seinfeld and become the "boring married person" then that's what you become. You can't expect to find every single thing you want in a person, because the differances in personality and interests is what will keep your relationship interesting. Retaining your individuality is key, in so many relationships you see either one ,or sadly both, partners' personalities virtually disapear into one gross, morphed unnatural personality encompassing the entire couple. Why do individual people cease to exist once they are "together"??

Hmmm, I like this topic...I think I'm going to blog on this later myself, I have too much to say, I don't want to clutter your comment section!