Sunday, December 10, 2006

I Search for Comfort and I Find it Where I've Found it Many Times Before, Times Before Can Be Forgotten

This is the eating joint in my hometown, it looks like a Masonic or Elks Lodge. Dead Animals on the wall, crazy booths that don't really seem to belong, and that time of the year, the dreaded Christmas lights.

Eyes Wide Shut ruined me for Christmas lights, every time I see colored lights, it puts me in a disturbed Kubrick mindset. Not to mention the animals all checkin' you out, perhaps say 'Hey there, that's my relative you are eating,' you don't want me to come off this wall and stick this antler up your a$$, do you?

Seems to me as the Christmas season is rushed this year, 'our' Round Rock house is the only Griswald lookin' house on the street (kudos Jeannie and Rob), and I haven't had the motivation to dust off and plug in the ol fiber optic tree.
I've found it hard lately to blog about the nuance-s of life, as I'm trying to further define myself as a human being, what that means, how to be a good human being, and ultimately finding my place in it all.

After a stimulating talk about religion at the Shimek residence (after I changed my drawers from the 8 foot python scaring the bejesus out of me), driving home, listening to cd 42 of the 56 cd set of Atlas Shrugged, the quote came up and I had to rush to write it down, it was profound. It goes -- 'learn the extent of your own power, and understand the calamity around you.'

I thought, can it be that easy? That hard yet that easy? Easy because, yes, it is all up to you to make yourself a better person, and if everyone does their part and lives up to their potential, the world is a better place. Where did it get confusing, if you decide to make it confusing.

Hard because, let's see, kinda hard to articulate. It's hard because of human expectation. Sitting there watching Manuelabor and The Diz down a hurricane a week ago while I was sipping on some piss water, I talk about what challenges me in life, and the people that challenge me, their thoughts, their ideas, the typical 'what makes you tick' type stuff, and surely getting on my high horse.

Manuelabor's rebuttal (as the finger points at me for accent) is.......Robert, anyone, especially any girl WILL challenge you (and I do paraphrase). You know why? Because half the time you don't even know how to wear clean pants in the morning, you don't know how to change your sheets, you don't know to enjoy the moment for the sake of the moment, and you don't give many people a chance because they don't necessarily follow your twisted, bitter, cynical idealist BS, and as I play the role of the critic in many aspects of life, I wind up alienating myself and any chances for unity.

I did a rant back or two or ten back there on love, and for historical purposes I have to show where I stand and how I feel. Sure we all need the social aspects of 'at the end of the day when the dust settles' you have someone to talk to scenario, and in identifying this in my life, I have to take at least one other factor into play heading into the great beyond, as it pertains to instinctive behavioral traits of human beings (man I sound like a wanna-be scientific retard). I can't live by the 15 minute 'sniff test,' alone -- that's too small of a window to know if someone is right for you or not.

Which begs the question for me of relationships, or at least for me in the future. If it doesn't hit me like a ton of bricks, will I have the intelligence to awknowledge a win-win, and embrace it open minded-ly and open hearted-ly?
The hump of 'test-new job-new place to live' is coming to a head very soon. I didn't pass this test the first time, after taking a class that cost $2,500 bucks. If I pass it using this crusty website, can I blame academia for not captivating me and motivating me? If I can, what does that say for our education system. I can say a lot of things about why I didn't pass the first time (lazy, heart not in it, not captivated, didn't study enough, etc,) but how as educators do we motivate and inspire people in the digital era and how can they improve their part?.....slap a math equation on Britney's breasts?

Enough ranting -- Bed Time :) --

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