Sunday, April 01, 2007

Standing with my back to the wall minding the sky as it's falling all around me

Listening to the existentialist debate rage on in Mason Jennings latest work, and the elegance of Nellie McKay (who's much better live than portrayed on cd), and hearing sentiments of my brother in law, I've come to see how life works in cycles. When its bad, it can get really bad, when it's good, it can get REALLY good.

Life is surely in a trough at the moment, for no matter how I try, I can't get those cycles in the head to conform with the world around me, and as I know its only a matter of time for the upswing, I'm constantly reminded in actions of my stagnation from all the close friends around me, not by words, but those facial expressions that show 'suck it up hero' looks.

I try to figure out what's not tickin' up there that makes me perpetuate a self defeatist attitude. I do that with my professional life and personal life to an extent and wonder, hmmm, what self help book can I get go help me figure this one out, but then again it always comes back to the answer lies inside of me, and perhaps I'm STILL not old enough to accept it. Mother nature is forcing me to except the fact that I can't party like a rock star anymore, and friends climbing further up the ladder of success fires up that competitive nature in all of us that says, damn, I don't want to be left behind.

Problem is, 'success' always comes at a price, and it surely comes down to what eggs do you want to put in what basket. Parts of me feel guilty and apprehensive of a pending fat salary increase, for I'm like, what makes me deserve this, and what are my responsibilities and what do I have to sacrifice in wake of these news responsibilities.

What is the key to happiness, in my case, I have no idea. I know I'm a passionate idealist, and I think for folks like that, it takes a long time for things to click in any direction chosen, and whatever direction chosen, the decision more than likely isn't going to be good enough.

So where does it all end me up? Right here, right now (as Jesus Jones) would say, I'm where I need to be, and I'm going where I need to go, just following the impulses, thoughts, predictions, and guts, and I have no idea where that is going to lead me, but I'm sure its going to be something exciting :)

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