Friday, July 20, 2007

If You are Falling, I'll Put Out My Hands, If you Feel Bitter, I Will Understand

It seems as if the adult version of Santa Clawz has came to visit. He brought me happiness, happiness in a variety of ways, in a variety of things, putting focus on great things, and blurring the focus on the turbulent stuff.

I see how important it is in life to keep 're-inventing' yourself, to strive for better, for different, diversity, stretch more wide than probing deep. Versatility as a human, being able to interpret and transcend the different layers that make up one's cognitive thought.

I can't help but think these days of the difference between being motivated by fear, uncertainty, doubt, loneliness, depression, second guessing yourself and the opposite, believing in yourself, knowing and loving yourself on a deep and personal level and relying on the latter, but with a sprinkle of the former.

Ben once said, 'now that I'm older I'm bored I remember when misery thrilled me much more, I can't relax, and I'd like to go back.' I wonder what percentage of the population has went through true misery, what percentage can just 'turn it off', and what percentage gets a doctors prescribed pill to cope? I know everyone has 'personal Afghanistan's' going on in their head, but how many are truly introspective about it and care to dig through the mud and the muck to untangle that senseless mess? I certainly can't quantify what dealing with a heavy dose of self-inflicted misery does for a person, but I HOPE it does wonders, as it takes you on an exploration of your soul, the end of the rope, the whole 'tear it down to build back up' speech.

Here's a Talladega Nights quote that I think explains this motivation well, Damn Ricky Bobby is right....

"Fear is powerful, because it has been there for billions of years! And it is good! And you use it! And you ride it; you ride it like a skeleton horse through the gates of hell, and then you win"

The other motivating agent, I'd like to say....ummmm.....practical magic. It's the ability to focus, the ability of certainty: the time when the stomach ulcers go away and life becomes much simpler. I'd like to think I'm slowly discovering this practical magic, hence becoming an observer and admirer of counter culture, not a participant. It's a time in my life that's getting more filled with coherent and understandable gestures, grown up mentalities, and a changing of the guard with my body and mind. Indeed a time where my mind says, 'Just because you can drink 10 Guinness when you go out doesn't mean you have to', and the other fail safe mechanism, the 30 year body -- it will punish you for the youthful exuberance in the context of excessive vices. I'm listening, I'm FINALLY listening to people who love me and understand me, and it feels good. I'm going with things I trust, and I personally trust my instinct now more than ever.

I'm happy right now, really happy. It's been forever if ever since I've been able to say that. I actually have a positive attitude towards any adversity in my or our families life. The latter is destructive, I care for my mom and family and a positive attitude is essential, and I have completely warmed up to the fact that it is in my personal best interest to wake up with a positive attitude every morning, and understanding a cynical or apathetic attitude is really the easy way out.

Like Dahveed says 'I gotta keep my mind clean, gotta keep my vision clearer.' I'm using that for the base, and on top of that base, sits me riding the fear, because it is good.

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