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Believe In Happy Endings - Even If There Isn't One
For all my buddies, to people who read this -- please pardon my temporary departure from humor for a brief bit of introspection.
For the past few weeks I've been contemplating a very simple question, but a question that plagues me. The question is 'How Do Relationships Work, and how do you begin them?' Simple to you guys who have figured it out, but gruelingly complicated for us 'lost souls' floating about, ever so painfully searching for perspective. For all you floaters, as I try to get down to the heart of it all, I find that it's all about balance, and the balance being between want and need.
'Honey I'm Home,' a typical Leave it to Beaver reference, said by many people around the world everyday. Well what happens when you 'Honey I'm Home', and no one is home? Its human nature to be insecure and insecurities drive a desire to find an echo to the simple question. Insecurity can bind us to people, people who we possibly know in our hearts to be not right for us, but rather simple and convenient. Insecurities potentially make us compromise the very fundamental things which are most important to our human existence, our body and soul. Insecurities have the nature to develop habit out of time and create understanding thru apathy. Insecurity protects you from leading an introspective life. Loneliness and uncertainty swell when you embrace your insecurity and not let it control your existence.
The other side of need / insecurity lays want / passion. This too can be a consuming factor, which causes things to not be balanced in a relationship. To be cheesy for a moment, what happens when you want something so badly it hurts? How can one sift through desire and see objectivity. How do you calm your passions and understand that there are 3.2 billion members of the opposite sex out there, and go on your merry way in finding other suitors to be passionate about. Is intensity a good thing or a bad thing, especially if you can't master your passions? Is passion more fulfilling, or is that the 57% of Americans that get divorced every year? Is there a thin line between love and hate when fueled by passion? My thoughts are yes. Passion is what drives the wrestless heart.
Balance is Unity. When there is mastery of want and need, a wonderful bond is formed. At any point in this rambling, just acknowledge that I'm a 28 year old computer geek that is far from having it figured out. I sat in college and heard of the benefits of teamwork and how effective teams are what drive successful endeavors. That big-time implies to relationships and life as we know it. Apon achieving balance of want and need, I, Robert, going out with Sally Smith, who I love and care for, is not in the slightest bit tempted even when my dream girl, Fiona Apple comes on strong. I say, sorry Fiona, but f*ck off, I have all I want and need in Sally. Balance says honey I don't give a damn if we pull weeds in the flower bed today or go see Def Leppard tonight. Balance conceives a genuine interest in what the other person is doing, thinking, feeling, and you hurt when that person is not around to give you what you need and want. Unity is inspiration, hope, love, courage, facing difficult adult situations with a smile.
How does this apply to me? For the most part, I like to think I check my genitals and insecurities at the door. I listen to 'good' music, good music comes from people that have tortured souls and from individuals most have never even heard of, not Justin Timberlake. I hear these individuals crafty, clever sentiments on love, and the intelligence of it all doesn't allow me to come up with an answer, but definitely lets me admire the question. I'm consumed by the passion of it all; notice all the questions in the passion paragraph. Big Bubock Ulcak once introduced me to a friend saying, 'this is Robert, he's turned down more chicks than I can even dream of.' Well Bubba is right about me turning down girls, but I don't know if its been that many. I'm very particular; therefore it's hard for me to strike a balance between want and need. On the need side, I don't take care of myself, I eat at 7-11 every other night, my apartment is a cluttered, haven’t' washed clothes in ages, I don't allow myself time to watch trashy shows like American Idol, all this equals to not being able to chill out and also not being able to accomplish what I refer to as 'the overhead of life.' On the want side, I can tell you that I 100% of the time overlook girls I meet that are 70-80% 'compatible' with me. Why? I'm a perfectionists, I want better, and I know it’s not abstract, and it’s out there, I've seen it. What happens when I'm going out with Ms. 70% and Ms. 90% rolls around, well I'm in a pickle if I settle for 70% when I'm not really happy. Someone once told me the sniffer test is 96% accurate, I agree entirely.
To let everyone in on a secret, and I'm sure family who reads this, if they've made it to this point in the blog piece, think I've totally lost my mind, I have signed up on match.com, why? To find mrs 90% or above. Hell it's easy to do a global search for belle and sebastian, and see what comes up. I'm light on my feet, I'm a dreamer, I'm a hopeless romantic, so if the stars align and I find the ideal person in Istanbul Turkey, well hell I hope there is a market for Portal / Biztalk developers there. So what do I want in a relationship, that's one of the questions asked? I want someone who not only 'completes me' as it pertains to the insecurities, but also someone who I can ride the 'slow boat to China' with, enjoying every moment all to ourselves. I want someone to challenge me, motivate me, inspire me, suggest things to me, and help me to look at life constantly from different angles. Isn't that the most fulfilling? I want someone that is high strung, ready to approach life with a complicated vigor, and do it with dignity. I want someone who will poke me in the ass on Saturday morning and say, hey lazy wake up, we got life to live, that's why we're here. I don't want to be put on a shelf in the sense that when I become the lucky one and find that girl or the girl finds me, there will never be an 'as a matter of fact' attitude. I know I will have and be with the girl that in my mind is the best freakin thing on the planet, and I'm going to show and tell the world how proud I am, and how humbled I am that she's with me, I'm going to be her cheerleader till my legs fall off. On the same token, she's going to acknowledge that she's with a bada$$ mofo, worthy of serious bragging rights of her own. I want to be touched, I want to feel the passion in my heart, I want to be completed.
To conclude this gory, convoluted tale of introspection, I'm not seeking sympathy, just tired of being so damn lonely, but I will not compromise for anything but the best. I'm ruled by passion, not insecurity, otherwise I'd pick me up one of the many 70%'ers I know to engage in a honey I'm home scenario with. The great philosophers ask, cheap happiness or sublime suffering.....until the right person comes along, I choose sublime suffering everyday and twice on Sunday. My sentiments on employing this train of thought only lead me to believe that greater introspection only leads to more to offer for a person who is currently doing the same, bam we meet, stars align, everything is complete ---- BOOYAH!